This is an interview between “The New York Now” show and Mr. Fingal Strafer, successful prosecuting attorney at the prominent law firm, Strafer, Bangs, Stiffney and Shultz. Mr. Strafer has successfully prosecuted over one hundred cases without a single loss. (Cameras zoom in on the craggy Strafer, and Melanie Lusk, star reporter, wearing a sharkskin business suit and five-inch pumps.)
NYN: Mr. Strafer, how did you come to practice law, and why did you choose to become a prosecuting attorney?
FS: It’s pretty straightforward, actually. I was the nerdy child of two rather scatterbrained artists, who dressed me in unusual clothing and sent me to public school, where I was bullied from the age of seven. I soon learned that a quick wit and good sneakers were my best defense. I hated those who dominated my world with violence, and vowed to do something about it when I grew up. So I have.
NYN: So you target bullies?
FS: I target those who assert power over others by putting them down. I have found that bullies usually grow up to do something unlawful during the pursuit of their power plays. I just make sure that they don’t get away with it.
NYN: Do you ever come across female bullies?
FS: Of course. Women are just as fond of being in control of those weaker than they are as males. Women just use a different set of tools. Men commit crimes such as fraud, robbery, torture, and murder. Women do those things, but more often they are guilty of slander, sacrificing those who help them climb the success ladder, and ruining other people’s marriages.
NYN: You sound a little bitter.
FS: I have been married four times. But only three of my wives were bitches. One died.
NYN: How do you prepare for a tough case?
FS: I stay in shape physically. I like to run, and I generally do around thirty miles a week. I don’t drink while on a case, and I keep my mind sharp by studying codes and encryption. I love to write in code, and to code-break. Let’s just say I don’t like secrets.
NYN: (Clears throat) That is an interesting hobby. Do you have any other interests outside of those? What do you do for fun?
FS: I have sex with women. Other than that, I can’t think of anything. Well, I do enjoy chess.
NYN: (Gulps) Ok then. (Shifts in her seat, and uncrosses her legs) What was your most difficult case?
FS: About ten years ago, we prosecuted a man for running a Ponzi scheme. He had convinced a group of retired people that if they gave him their money, he would make sure that they had visitors every day at their nursing homes. At first, it was wonderful, but then the old people started dying. Their families, who up to this time had felt relieved that their aging parents had stopped calling them, discovered that entire estates had been engulfed and disappeared, and the shit hit the fan. We sent the guy to prison for twenty years. I tried to stipulate that he get no visitors, but failed. (He smirks)
NYN: (Leaning backwards just a bit in her seat) Interesting. Are you working on anything right now that you can share with us?
FS: I am not able to say much. But it will make headlines. I can only say that if you have a dog, and you use a dog walking service, you should be careful.
NYN: I see. (Raises eyebrows at camera two)
FS: Dogs are disappearing. That’s all I can say.
NYN: Goodness. Well, what a relief to know that you are working on this! Thank you for talking with us today. (Shuffles the papers in her lap)
FS: Do you have a dog?
NYN: (Shifts in chair uncomfortably, and adjusts skirt) Again, thanks. We will be looking forward to hearing about your next case, and I congratulate you on your fine work.
FS: I used to have a dog but he died. (Sniffs audibly and leans forward, brushing against Melanie’s thigh with his hand) I love dogs. Just love dogs. (Sighs dramatically).
NYN: That’s a shame. (Blinks rapidly) And now, we go to London, where Dan Strank is reporting live about the latest financial crisis.
FS: Yeah, my dog’s name was “Slinky.” (Sniffs again, and wipes one eye)
NYN: (Whispering urgently) Cut, and that’s a wrap!
FS: (As production assistants lead him out) He had a little red bone….
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Genre - Fiction / Short Stories
Rating – PG13